Self-Love is Hard; Self-Reproach is Easier – A #1000Speak Post

October 22, 2015 Off By Lisa

Let me tell you something about self-love:

Self-love is very difficult to practice when you’re feeling down on yourself.

 

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It should come as no surprise that I’ve opted for the self-compassion route again this #1000Speak link-up – that’s been my focus all along. Of course, it’s been a couple of months since I’ve actually contributed an original post… I’ve been very busy letting life get in the way and finding excuses not to post and link-up…

It won’t be good enough…

I have nothing valuable to say…

I can’t write about what I’m not doing well myself…

My words don’t matter.

I’m willing to bet that you have said or thought at least one of these in your recent past. I know I have. I know many who do. But why? Why do we so readily find ways to opt out? Why do we work so hard at explaining our failures before we even make an attempt?

For me, it’s fear. Take the words ‘I’m afraid’ and put them in front of any one of those sentence starters up there – or any one of your own creation. Go ahead. Notice what happens.

I’m afraid my post won’t be good enough.

I’m afraid I nothing valuable to say.

I’m afraid to write about what I’m not doing well myself.

I’m afraid my words don’t matter.

It’s so much easier to criticize ourselves and keep that negativity to ourselves than to admit we feel that way. Admitting fear and uncertainty is hard – it’s really hard. And so may be these excuses are just a way to cover that fear.  But without admitting that fear is present, without adding those words “I’m afraid” to the front of our excuses, those negatives statements so easily become our truth. And if you allow that negativity to become your truth, self-reproach is not far behind.

Have you ever found it difficult to love yourself? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered what other people see? Why they love you? I’m willing to take another bet – that at least one person reading this has felt that way. I have. Maybe for you that day was a long time ago; maybe that day is today. Somewhere in your past there was a day when you were filled with self-reproach, with anger. Maybe you even hated yourself for a while. Where did that lead? It spawns more fear, more uncertainty.

I should have…

I didn’t…

I can’t…

I failed…

Have you ever used used words like these? I have. Recently, in fact. And I’ve very quickly found that they accomplish nothing. They only serve to worsen the situations that prompt them. Moreover, I realized that we can insert a few more words in front of these statements.

People will think I should have…

People will say I didn’t…

People will think I can’t…

People will know I failed…

You know what? Maybe you did fail. Maybe I failed, too. Failure is part of life and without it, how can we ever understand or appreciate the sweetness of success? Maybe we didn’t do this or that. So what? Do it now. Try again. Do it differently or better and learn something in the process.

In the end, does it really matter what people think or say about you? OK, we all like to be praised and seen in a positive light. That’s fair. But if we can’t see ourselves that way, how in the world can we expect anyone else to do it? If we can’t love ourselves, how can we ask anyone else to find us lovable?

 

[tweetthis twitter_handles=”@LisaMeaningofMe”]If we can’t love ourselves, how can we ask anyone else to find us lovable? #1000Speak[/tweetthis]

 

It’s illogical. To ask any other human being on the planet to think well of you or love you when you can/t or don’t or won’t do it for yourself is simply unreasonable. It’s not the world’s job to bolster your self-confidence or make you feel loved. It’s your job. It’s mine. I am the only person responsible for for making me feel valuable, worthy, and loved.

A few things in my life aren’t quite going the way I’d like right now. I’d like to be thinner. I’d like my house to be cleaner and more organized. I’d like to see a whole lot more tangible reward for my self-employment efforts.

What I’ve been doing with that lately is finding every way possible to beat myself up about all of that. But it has to stop. It has to stop because it’s accomplishing nothing. I tell myself I don’t deserve to take care of myself, to rest, to do something just for fun because I haven’t knocked out the goals I’ve set for myself yet. That’s like saying an athlete can’t take a drink of water because he hasn’t finished the race.

And it has to stop because my daughter hears it. I would never allow her to engage in negative self-talk and defeatism about the things she faces in life. I would never tell her she couldn’t have a nap or a snack because she hadn’t finished growing up yet. I would never tell her she didn’t deserve love or reward.

So why do we allow myself to do it? Why do any of us?

Because it’s easier to hate than to love. It’s easier to make excuses and assumptions based on fear and it’s easier to point out what’s wrong than to focus on what’s right. And we all know how many ways that thinking rears its ugly head. No wonder we have so much conflict and hate in the world. Too many of us find self-reproach and hatred easier than self-love and compassion. If that is how we treat ourselves, that is how we are going to treat others and so it should come as no great surprise that we have problems like gun violence and all manner of prejudice and so many other evils hanging over our lives.

That’s why we’re all here; that’s why we’re working toward a more compassionate mindset and a more compassionate world, one small choice at a time.

And so, as I’ve said in so many #1000Speak posts before, it starts with you. It starts with me. It starts with every individual deciding to choose love, not hate, and the first person we have to choose to love is our Self. Start loving yourself and see how much easier it is to love someone else.

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