Our Inherent Good – A #1000Speak Post
We can easily strike up a debate about the inherent nature of humans.
Are we inherently good? Or are qualities like goodness, kindness, and compassion learned behaviors? Are they the product of nature or nurture?
It’s easy to look at today’s headlines about the tragic events plaguing our world, and say no, there is no good.
And that much is true, of course; there is much hate and negativity in the world right now. There always has been. But I will argue that if you look through all of that, you will find good everywhere. You will find stories of courage and compassion, stories about people doing great things and small to show another that they matter. We can probably swap headlines one-for-one, but at the end of our discussion, I will still insist that the vast majority of people are, for the most part and with the exception of certain extreme circumstances, essentially good at heart, at least most of the time.
Because no one is perfect. And because that’s true, maybe we don’t always do good things. Maybe we are not always good to one another, but even so we were not created to be evil.
You will say that’s hard to believe, given the violence and hate and anger we see in the headlines every day. That’s because media loves conflict. There is no drama when things are going well and everyone is satisfied – and the media hates that. The media wants you fired up, angry, ready to engage in a battle of opinion with anyone who wants to engage. It is the media’s job to tell you what to care about, what you should be afraid of, and who is to blame for whatever is wrong with your world. If only we saw half as much positive in the headlines – philanthropy, service, community spirit, and more – we would remember those good things and look for more.
Right now negativity prevails. But think about where a lot of the violence and hate and anger comes from. It comes from individuals’ desire to do something good, something just. Perhaps their actions or intentions are misguided. But if we reason to the root of things, we will so often see that people are angry because they want to be heard. People lash out at others because they want justice for those they see as oppressed and downtrodden. They speak up and act out because they want to effect change. And I think we’re really good at that – championing the underdogs, championing our causes. Most of the time. Except for the misguided few.
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But I’m going to stop here. I don’t really want to debate whether people are inherently good because I have my answer – we are and I can show you proof. (The story is on my Facebook page.)
Today, I want to talk about an area in which we as humans are not good, an area in which we fail to be good and compassionate day after day, an area that if left unchecked leads to so many other problems. We humans may be inherently good, but we are not inherently good to ourselves.
Most of us at one time or another have treated ourselves more harshly than we would ever treat a friend or family member, or even a complete stranger.
We criticize and shame our bodies.
We minimize our gifts and talents.
We emphasize our bad habits and flaws.
We tell ourselves that we don’t deserve happiness, success, love, respect, or a nap. We push too hard and go too long and we don’t say no for fear that we might disappoint someone if we don’t take on one more thing that is simply too much to handle.
We do not care for ourselves. We do not make the choice to take care of our minds, bodies, hearts. We are simply not good to ourselves.
And that is a problem.
When we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love anyone else. If we do not know how to care for ourselves, to treat ourselves with gentleness and compassion, how can we do it for anyone else? We cannot be happy for others, we can not lift them up and support them. We can not rejoice with them or cry with them. Perhaps we go through the motions, give a good external facsimile of what we deem “good.” But that is too difficult to sustain for very long.
And it doesn’t stop there. The problem does not rest with a simple inability to show compassion for others. It becomes something much more complicated, something much worse. Without self-love and compassion, we begin to treat others just as poorly. We treat others not merely with a lack of a compassion and kindness, but with distinct and specific hatred, cruelty, and jealousy. We refuse to see other points of view. We fail to respect the beliefs, practices, or personal space of other people. We want our own voice to be heard so badly that we become misguided in our approach. Rather than caring for our Selves so that we can in turn care for others, we destroy our selves and have nothing left to offer. Feeling inadequate makes us lash out and bring anyone we can down to our own level of misery.
And so it becomes clear that in order to heal the world, we must first heal ourselves. In order to be compassionate to others, we must first be compassionate with ourselves. It’s just like the flight attendants stress in that pre-flight safety speech – put on your own oxygen mask on first, then take care of the guy next to you. If you can’t breathe, you are of no help to him.
Shaking our heads at the bad news and grumbling about how the world is going to hell in a hand basket isn’t going to change anything. Neither is overwhelming ourselves with worry that we can never change enough to make any difference. Before we set out to stop all the negativity in the world, we have to stop the negativity in our own minds.
Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge and embrace your imperfections. Let the good that lives inside all of us rise to the surface and ripple outward. And be amazed at how much good you see around you.
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This month, 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion continues to work toward a better world with a focus on inherent compassion.
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Great post, but I disagree with this common statement: “When we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love anyone else.” Love knows no bounds or rules. Though, self-care, self-acceptance, and self-love are important, we can love others, even as we do not love ourselves. In fact, we can learn to love ourselves in loving others. Love is contagious.
That’s a fair point, Kitt. We certainly can learn through loving others. Love is most definitely contagious. I can’t say I’ve ever had that experience though. I’ve too often seen people who don’t love themselves struggle to love those around them. I hope those who do struggle that way can see love around them and love themselves as well. <3 Thanks for coming over!
Oh how I love this Lisa! I’ve been saying this to my kids don’t look towards the news for humanity and compassion. Look around you at your neighbours, friends, and family. I don’t watch the news, every time I do I absorb so much negativity it gives me nightmares! I prefer to read it from reputable resources and pray for the greater good to fill the world with more positivity and love. I get called a hippie for my beliefs but I’d rather be that mentality than one of fear, prejudice, and hate. I loved your post keep on spreading the love dear heart. ❤️
You’re so very right. The headlines are never going to overflow with the good that exists – although I wish they would! Looking to those around us is the best advice. I have a perfect example of that, too – check my FB page in a little while (I’m posting something now). Your approach is a good one, Jeanine. Keep living that! <3
I will always, always argue that we CAN truly, deeply, and meaningfully love others, in spite of not being able to love ourselves.
For some, there has been such conditioning that we are our own objects of hatred, but that conditioning hasn’t blighted the way we see others, or the way we can admire and adore them.
For some, there are clinical illnesses that prevent us from caring for ourselves adequately, but those illnesses often turn inwards, and still don’t stop us caring for and having compassion for others, even if we can’t for ourselves.
I completely believe compassion is inherent, I completely believe that most people are mostly good.
I sometimes even believe that I’m worthwhile.
But I know that most of the time I’m not able to love myself, and I don’t see why I would, but I do know that I love and cherish others very, very dearly indeed.
I suspected you would. And truly, I have to concede this point to you and Kitt. I’m speaking from purely personal experience. I definitely see how that can be true for some. And you’re so right – much of how we feel about ourselves is what we’ve been conditioned to believe. I’m working on something I hope to share soon and it really does get into this very question – how we are taught to think of ourselves affects us in many ways.
You, my dear, are very worthwhile. I’m proud of you for saying that. <3 And truly, I don't know of many people who love as purely and wholeheartedly as you.
*grins and blushes a bit* Awwwwh you made my heart “grow 16 sizes”, as Beth would say.
I’m really, REALLY trying to understand and accept what it is about me that people find good, and I think I’m slowly getting there. It’s such a relief to be out of the dark days of self-hatred sweeping through me every minute, and that I find being taken low by my own poor opinion is an exception rather than the norm is just…AMAZING. I think it all changed at a very fundamental level a year ago, when I met people who chose me exactly who and how I was, because they WANTED TO, and bent over backwards to show how much I meant to them, and it was just…mindblowing. Mind-changing, in fact.
I’m looking forward to your piece. I definitely think that our conditioning and our environment, especially when we’re young, is so vital to our sense of self as an adult. I know on a logical level many things about my worth, and many things about the lies I’ve believed for so long, that I absolutely CANNOT accept or comprehend on a visceral level, and it’s that deep, underlying change I’m trying to gradually make. With the help and support and LOVE of my friends, I feel like I’m finally getting there, but it’s definitely a group effort, and I’m so glad and so thankful for people like you, who keep on seeing the good in me, and reminding me about it. <3 <3
This all makes me nine kinds of happy. <3 There is not a lot I can say except that it is amazing. The power of love is amazing.
This piece is a very difficult one to write and it will also be difficult to release for other eyes to see. I've thought from the start that I probably want to give it to Hasty for BeRealationships. It seems like that's the right place for it. I'm hoping it will be ready sometime in the next week.
Sounds fascinating! I can’t wait to read it, and I hope you feel confident when the time comes to let it out there!
And yes. The power of love is INCREDIBLE but dangerous. It’s been giving me grief this week *sigh*
Yeah, I’m getting there.
I’m sorry you’re having a rough week. But dangerous??? What’s up with that?
Well done you.
And dangerous because when you love and you want to leave for love, and you love and part of you wants to stay for love, you get torn open in the middle of your heart and neither way will ever not hurt.
Which in me, leads to depression, and saying/doing stupid things.
Hm, yes, that makes sense. A double-edged sword for sure.
Hang in there. <3
Great post Lisa, and unlike Kitt and Lizzi, I do agree with you that to love others completely and unconditionally we need to love ourselves.
I think the disagreement possibly occurs not because of differences in experience so much as differences in what we call love. It’s possible to feel huge fondness for someone else, even when you don’t love yourself, it’s possible to feel longing, or a desire to take care of someone else, even to forgive someone else – but if these all occur at our own expense then they aren’t true love, they are us trying to get our need for love met by others by sacrificing ourselves for them. I’ve done that so, so many times. I do it less than I used to do, and maybe one day I will be free of it, but it such a conditioned response that it requires a lot of work to undo.
Years ago I read “I need your love, Is that true?” by Byron Katie. It is she says, “Personalities don’t love; they want something. Love doesn’t seek anything. It’s already complete.” I find that incredibly helpful as a gauge for whether I am actually responding to someone (or myself) from love or whether I’m unwittingly trying to get someone else to meet my needs instead of loving myself. Just a couple of nights ago, I was trying to get my younger daughter (age 17) to go to bed because she had school in the morning and it was getting late. I said something like, “Dad and I feel worried when you stay up late that you won’t be able to do your best.”
My older daughter (18) said, “And that’s your issue, not hers.”
She was absolutely right. I was trying to manipulate my daughter so that I could avoid feeling anxious about the thoughts in my own mind. Yet, when instead I notice those thoughts and choose to let them go, she’s more likely to do what I’d like anyway – because I approach her with peace not fear.
I think the point Byron Katie makes is so important: true love doesn’t come from the personality or the ego – so all of us are capable of it, at any moment and often experience it. In that moment all doubt dissolves and we just feel love, without specifically feeling it for anyone or anything. It just “is.” (Like Bryon Katie says.) All thinking drops away in that moment.
Often we make the mistake of thinking that because we very rapidly revert to the egoic thinking of “I’m not good enough,” or “I hate myself” etc that it’s possible to love someone else while not loving ourselves. But all that really means is we tell ourselves a story of, “I’m not as good as other people.”
Or we might think we feel it for our lover or baby, but really we just feel love. I read an article years ago in which the writer wrote about experiencing this in the presence of her then-boyfriend and so she thought he had caused her to feel that way, and clung to him. But the feeling had actually come from within her, as she later realised. I’ve also found that very helpful over the years.
I also think it’s almost acceptable for women especially to believe we love others more than ourselves, but not to feel self-love. I certainly grew up in an environment where that was the case.
Wow, really interesting thoughts, Yvonne. You always make me think! I love that there’s some debate here in the comments. This is one of the things I like most about blogging – the people, the different perspectives, the sharing of ideas. It gives me such a great opportunity to look at other points of view and more deeply examine my own. I learn all the time. I wonder, too, if sometimes we slip in and out of being able to love others or love ourselves, depending on where we’re coming from at the time – like you’re talking about in your comments here.
I’m jumping right to the end of your comment here, but what you said about women and self-love really struck me. I really think that somewhere along the evolutionary process the belief was put in our heads that somehow loving ourselves (women in particular) is wrong or selfish. It’s like we believe we aren’t allowed to love ourselves.
Your anecdote about your daughters is really interesting, too. I find myself so often operating with Zilla from a place where it’s about what I want for her more than anything else. Or about what I need at the time – like when I want her to get settled in bed because I want to be in bed! But I also do that thing like worry about her sleep or her food or whatever because I want her to operate at her very best. In the end, she knows herself and knows already at this age to make good choices. It’s something worth thinking about in terms of what the motivation is behind our interactions. And your older daughter’s statement – wow. That’s so true, isn’t it?
Thanks for your thoughts – I love it! Hoping to get around and read the other posts tomorrow or Monday for sure.
I love your point about people being angry because they want to be heard. The whole post is on point – but that’s the line that jumped at me. So much truth there. If we find a way to make sure people are really heard – and feel like they are heard – I think that would go a long way to helping the world be a better place.
I think that’s so much of what causes unrest and disagreement and yes, sometimes violence, Louise. When people feel strongly about something, I think it comes from a place where they believe it is the right thing – and others may not necessarily agree, but we have to consider the motivation. When we feel unheard, it’s frustrating.
I love this! While I do know people who truly love others and aren’t very kind or loving toward themselves, my take on that is that in their hearts they want to love, want to believe in the good, and they transfer that desire to those around them in hopes that one day they can also see it in themselves. Maybe it can work in reverse that way, if we learn to love and accept others perhaps we can see a tiny bit to love and accept in ourselves. I hope so!
I think you’re exactly right, Josie. And I do hope that it works that way in those situations. Definitely.
I am hardest on myself, saying I am no good at anything, could never be of any good to anyone else, which then leads to feeling like I must defend myself from myself.
🙂
So, then I feel I deserve more, but it was my own negative talk that started things. I feel jealous of the talents or gifts or opportunities other people keep getting, which makes me feel even worse for putting out such bad vibes of envy toward another person. Bad cycle.
I hope for better. I need to take bigger and bigger breaks from the media, as much as I possibly can, on top of all the negative talk. Things just seem too awful and I do feel helpless. Looking for that oxygen mask.
🙂
I think we all experience that feeling at some point, Kerry – wondering when is it my turn? when do I get a break? why don’t I have the success that others seem to have? We’re human. And you’re right; it does create a bad cycle. I see so much good in you – the way you love your niece and nephew and your family, the way you support others and how you leave such thoughtful comments. The things you write about and care about – all of that shows what a good heart you have. Believe it.