The Answer is No

I’m trying to decide if I am sad or not.

Lately, Kidzilla has been asking for a little brother or sister.

Zilla is drawn to babies she sees when we are out in public. When she plays with her dolls and stuffed animals, she pretends they are her brothers and sisters. (It is a rather large and diverse family.) Last night she told me she thought that she should have a little brother or sister to play with her “for times when Mamma and Dadda are busy working and can’t play with me.”

Ungh. Heart stab. Pang of guilt. Does she think we work too much and play too little? Is that just a hypothetical in-case-that-would-happen scenario? Does she feel left out? How can she possibly when she has our undivided attention like 99 percent of any given day? Is she actually lonely? Sad? Unhappy?

A few weeks ago Zilla informed me that she was moving to a new house – gray, apparently – where there would be a brother and a sister to play with and parents who are nice. Now, at the time, Zilla was pretty angry with her current set of parents for something we wouldn’t allow her do that would likely have resulted in her doing herself bodily harm. So perhaps that request was just an emotional response. Perhaps.

Fab Hub and I originally thought we’d like to have two children. He used to say that was a good number because they would never outnumber us. And even if one of us would happen to be alone with two children, the solo parent could catch one in each hand and still keep things under control.  Sounded like a good plan. We wanted to be married a few years before we moved to parent mode and we did. We planned to get pregnant at a particular time and have our first by the time I was 38 and our second by the time I turned 40. Done.

All went precisely according to plan – which is remarkable, really, because in my world plans tend to go awry rather often. But Zilla’s arrival did not go according to plan. Labor and delivery was a long and difficult process that ended with an emergency C-section. Even so, it still took an hour until Zilla was finally out and safe. There were other complications for me that prevented Zilla and me from meeting face to face for several more hours. Fab Hub recalls that at one particular stage, he wasn’t sure if he was going home with a family or without one. Recovery was also long and difficult in every way imaginable – we didn’t even leave the hospital for nearly a week. Very soon after, we understood clearly that another pregnancy was not an option – the risks were just too great. Another pregnancy would be fatal. The child we already had needed a mother, not a memory. And so the choice was clear.

We have no regrets and we know that our little family of three is exactly the right answer. I absolutely believe that this is what God intends for us for so many reasons. His ways may not be our ways, but if we are men and women of faith, we must believe that the path He lays before us is the right one. That is without question.

So four years and countless heavy discussions later, why do Zilla’s sibling requests bother me all? The only reason I can think of is that it hits that little nerve deep inside – the one that wants to give her every little thing that her beautiful heart desires. And in this case, that is not going to happen.

But there’s the lesson…no parent can give their child everything they ever want. Just because the child wants another four-scoop ice cream sundae does not mean he should have it. The child may think it’s a good idea to spray paint the cat so it looks like Pepé Le Pew, but it most definitely will end in sadness. Neither does God give His children everything they want. Sometimes the answer is – very simply – no. While it may take us a very long time to understand why, the reasons usually do become clear.

So right now, Zilla wants a little brother or sister. For many reasons, Zilla needs to be our one and only. She knows the story of her birth, although not with all the intricate and unfortunate details yet. Someday when she asks, those will be revealed – when the time is right. Someday she will understand that there are reasons why she is our only child. But someday is not today. For today, I will remind myself that there is a reason for everything, including having to say no.

In the words of the Rolling Stones, “No, you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need.”