TToT – Turning the Page on 2013

Know how long I’ve thought about what to put on this Ten Twelve Things of Thankful Year-End post? Days.

Know how many things I came up with to put in the post? Zero.

Yes, yes, I’ve done a whole lot of TToT lists over the last couple of months – and it’s been great. But dig back over the entire year? I drew blanks. Big, huge, I got nothin’s. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast (did I have breakfast?), never mind the specific highlights of each month of this very long, very difficult year.

As I thought back over the year, each time I asked myself what the standout moments were, all I came up with were the big bad ones. How awful. That’s not where my thoughts are supposed to be at all. Truth is, my thoughts are in a pretty crappy place in general today. It’s been a very down day for me, despite the many things I absolutely do have to be thankful for. I woke up in a funk this morning and for some reason, it has yet to dissipate, even as the clock moves past midnight.

I thought about forcing a try at the year in review that Lizzi proposed. And then I actually tried a few times over the last few days. But I kept losing focus. I thought about doing a “things that sucked” post, but the more I mulled that one over, the more I realized that I didn’t want to revisit those things another time. I’d like to be done with them. Really done. So rather than force either version of that year in review to emerge, I’ll just be honest. Much of the last year has been far more than I ever wanted this family to have to deal with and it’s been exhausting. At the same time, I really do hear the voice from the other side of my brain reminding me that we could be so much worse off.

So, since I really couldn’t come up with anything better than a pretty typical TToT for the last week or so, I’ll just go that way – no numbers, no counting, just putting down the good moments that I want to remind myself are indeed blessings and moments of grace. And so, as the fireworks echo outside the back windows, here are my moments of thankful for the last few days of 2013.

This Advent season has been one of the most beautiful I’ve ever had. Kidzilla is old enough to grasp the concept of waiting and understand Whom and What we were waiting for. She counted the days until Baby Jesus’ birth on her Advent calendar and anticipated Saint Nicholas and Santa’s visits with equally delighted enthusiasm.

Kidzilla did not flip out on a major Christmas list to Santa – and for that I was truly thankful. She was more excited about all of these December visitors’ arrivals than she was about what they would bring. We marked the days on the Advent calendar, lit the Advent wreath candles, read from the Bible, decorated the tree, hung lights and stockings, and set up the Nativity scene. We enjoyed a pretty simple, spiritual, and quiet month of anticipation. Not to leave out the Fab Hub, our Hanukkah celebrations were also simple, quiet, and understated this year (perhaps mostly because I was sick as anything for the bulk of it).

Kidzilla absolutely loved her first official children’s Christmas Eve Mass at our church – she smiled and gasped and soaked it all in. It was wondrous. We had the special pleasure of sitting in the church balcony with my Mom’s children’s choir and that was like sitting among angels.

Later on Christmas Eve, I left Zilla in the care of her Fab Dad while I went back for the last Mass. Together they prepared for Santa’s arrival with cookies and hot chocolate for Santa and carrots and water for the reindeer. Again, I have to give an appropriate note of thanks to the Fab Hub for being such a hands-on Dad and for making sure Zilla did not miss one second of her Christmas experience. Even though this is not his faith and these are not the traditions of that faith, he always supports her. And me.

One of Zilla’s most awesome gifts was her overnight stay in a “fancy” hotel for the first time. My Mom, my Sister, Zilla, and me had a lovely girls’ night trip. Zilla told everyone we met that we were there “with no boys” and she just had the loveliest time. She is already looking forward to her next trip (so I guess there will be more…) and wants to make sure her Fab Dad gets to come along. I think she’s right – all girls trips are awesome for lots of reasons, but we really did miss our Fab Hub/Dad.

Related, I have to admit that finding out that the Fab Hub couldn’t sleep because he missed us and thought the house felt strange and empty was sort of a wonderful thing. He doesn’t always express his feelings in words as much as some men might, but he must have been moved enough to get a few out on that topic. Not that we were happy that he was lonely – but it was nice to know we were missed. The three of us spent a pretty quiet afternoon and evening together just relaxing and getting in lots of snuggle time.

I’m going to go a little twisted here and say I’m kind of thankful that my house cleaning and organizing projects aren’t done, despite the fact that they sent me into a bit of a tantrum this afternoon. Yes, I want them done. Yes, they need to be done. But we opted for a whole lot of family time and really focusing on one another so that makes the lack of project completion worth it. We’ve all been too busy, too frantic, too caught up in the stuff and nonsense of all three of our lives over the last few months and we all needed a rest. We took it.

I managed to hang onto my fifteen pound weight loss, despite having some days of not-as-careful eating choices. Seems trivial compared to other items here, but I know I need to keep working on being healthy for many reasons and dropping some weight is going to be very helpful in that overall goal of better health. I’m also glad that I figured out that choosing a healthy lifestyle is better for me – and my little family – than a flat out focus on fat or thin. If the weight loss happens and continues as a result of wise, healthy choices, I’m more than happy with that.

I’ll be completely honest and say out loud what just about every student and teacher in the tri-state area is thinking to themselves. Nobody really wants to go back to school for two days after a long holiday break and then have a weekend right away, so I’m pretty happy to see the snow forecast for the end of the week. Here’s hoping it doesn’t end up just being a miserable nuisance that we have to go out in anyway! I think it would be safe to say that thousands of kids and teachers probably prayed good and hard for that snow.

I’m extremely thankful that my family is reasonably healthy. Some of us have our health issues, but we are all really OK overall. That’s huge. We’ve had some holidays where major illness or death darkened the doorstep, but in general, we have all been blessed with fair health. May that continue to be so and even improve where it applies.

I am thankful that my Fab Hub allows me to be a jerk when I really need to, but I’m also thankful that he lets me know when I’ve been a jerk long enough. I behaved badly today. I could have and should have behaved better. But sulking about that doesn’t help anyone. I’m just going to crawl under the covers and start over tomorrow.

When he ran some errands this evening, the Hub put Kidzilla in charge of helping me feel better while he was out. She took her job seriously and set right about making sure I was in a better mood when he returned. She is more of a gift to me every day. Her tiny little hands and big smiling eyes looking at me and telling me she loved me and that I needed to be happy because she and the Hub love me put me swiftly and surely in my place. I am grateful to her for that and so much more.

And now, with the new year in place, I am turning the page on 2013. It will remain in the book of our lives as part of a chapter already read, to be referred to if necessary, and perhaps key to the chapters that follow. It’s time to see how the rest of this story unfolds.

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