Meet the Rotten Cats

If you read here pretty regularly, you’ve probably already read a few stories about the Three Rotten Cats. But I don’t think I’ve ever officially introduced them as individuals. And so, inspired by Mama Kat’s “Introduce a Pet” prompt this week, here we go…

Meet Rotten Cat One: Edgar

Aliases: Fat Boy. Ass Cat. Jackass. Asshole. Ed.

Physical attributes: Smoothest and blackest fur of all three Rotten Cats. Seriously wide ass.

Likes: Snacks. Naps. Watching TV. Sitting under the ceiling fan. Supervising Kidzilla’s morning routine.

Dislikes: Moving.

Most frequently on the Bad Cat List for: Walking on the dining room table. Puking.

Most entertaining/annoying behaviors: Cat One is our welcoming committee. If there is a person in the house or at the door, Cat One is there to meet and greet. If someone comes home from a day at work or school, he is the first to say hello. And by saying hello, I mean rub up against you at the front door, run up the stairs to the living room, and collapse on the floor with stomach exposed. Cat One enjoys fresh cold water from the bathroom faucet, obtained by banging two bowls together or meowling loudly until he is served. He also enjoys licking himself, uh, there. More often than not, Cat One can be found bathing himself in that most private of areas and he does it in front of anyone and anywhere he damn well pleases. Frequently. And with gusto. Several times per day, each of us will find him in said compromising position and the inevitable reaction is “Edgar, really?” It’s not that he does it – all cats do. It’s the way he does it – all hunched over with one leg sticking straight up above the rest of his body. It’s bizarre.

Right about now, My Mother is thinking “eew eew eeeeewwww…I can’t believe she put that disgusting cat licking on her blog.” Super Sister is thinking “I hate your cats.” Moving on.

Meet Rotten Cat Two: Thelonius

Aliases: Small Boy, Piss Boy, T.

Physical attributes: Smallest of the Rotten Cats. Nine white hairs on his chest.

Likes: Alone time.

Dislikes: People who do not live here. Noise, particularly the kind made by Kidzilla.

Most frequently on the Bad Cat List for: Scooting his food pellets around the kitchen where someone will inevitably step on one. Painful. Once he very deliberately and with clear pre-meditated malice pissed on the carpet to let us know he was angry about something. He was banished from my presence for about a week after that. Currently, he is allowed in my presence, but we are still not speaking.

Most entertaining/annoying behaviors: After nearly seven years in this house, our smallest of Rotten Cats has finally figured out how to jump up on the half wall in our upstairs hallway. Every time he does it, he hollers until someone comes to notice and tell him what a big strong cat he is. In all truth, though, he is pretty sweet. When I was pregnant with Kidzilla, he slept curled up by my stomach every night until she was born. Now he sleeps on my head.

And finally, meet Rotten Cat Three: Marley

Aliases: Fang

Physical attributes: Medium-sized Rotten Cat, but longest/tallest of the Rotten Cats. One white eyebrow hair. Huge, round eyes and very fuzzy fur.

Likes: Me. Fish and chicken, cooked by me. Supervising Kidzilla’s bath and bedtime routine. Rubbing up against my Mom’s leg. Mom is not a cat-lover…but we think Cat Three knows she is the reason we rescued him.

Dislikes: Fab Hub being in our bed with me. Other Rotten Cats getting attention from me. People sneezing. You want to see a Rotten Cat run like it’s been shot out of a cannon? Sneeze anywhere near Cat Three.

Most frequently on the Bad Cat List for: Clawing the carpet. This Rotten Cat is the number one reason we have to re-do our floors.

Most entertaining/annoying behaviors: Meowing at walls for no apparent reason. Stealing Fab Hub’s spot in the bed the minute he gets out and refusing to move if he returns. Cat Three has claimed me as his person and makes it very clear to all people and cats that I am his woman. Weirdo. Cat Three also enjoys prancing around in front of me when I am working at my computer, putting his ugly cat butt in front of my face and making it impossible to see what I’m doing. After he gives up, he sits on the wall behind my desk and sulks, complete with pathetic head hanging and sighing. He will do that until precisely 11:15 PM, at which time he meows incessantly to tell me it’s time for bed. He will only stop when I head up the stairs…and yes, he follows.

So, there they are, friends…the Rotten Cats in all their annoying glory. If anybody wants to rent them, call me.

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