Reflection
Reflection.
The throwing back by a body or surface of light, heat, or sound without absorbing it. An image that is seen in a mirror or on a shiny surface. Something that shows the effect, existence, or character of something else. A thing that is a consequence of or arises from something else. Serious thought or consideration.
Two completely unconnected incidents – a spoken phrase, a brief interaction – collided yesterday and sent me into deep reflection about each of them, separately and together. It did not take long for me to realize that I have been heartbroken. It’s a strong and dramatic word for sure, but it’s true. Events in our fairly recent past left me heartbroken – and it took me until just yesterday to be able to see it and to give it a name.
Maybe it was the song that played on the radio as I cried that did it. It was an instrumental version of a song long forgotten, but the words came rushing back in an instant. “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” All of the heartbreak, the frustration, the upset of the last two years has been, at times, devastating.
And so, over many months, I’ve grieved. It has taken a while, but I finally may be pulling away from those feelings. My reflection yesterday felt like the end of a terrific catharsis. And yet, it left me wondering, doubting, questioning what I thought were perhaps good and solid ideas, plans, and feelings.
So often in these moments, I find myself missing my Grandparents terribly. They were such a powerful influence in my life for so much of my life. I still find myself talking to them, asking them for advice, as though we were sitting across the kitchen table again. And that’s where my mind was this morning when I saw it – a license plate on the car in front of me with one of their names on it. It was as though they were saying everything would be OK.
I went about my day and within hours several things began to happen. Things that have been stalled out or merely hypothetical were suddenly part of very real conversations. Did all of the events of the last day and a half really all swirl around one another to finally meet at this point? Some would say coincidence. I don’t believe in coincidence. .
Coincidence suggests something accidental – a collection of unrelated events or circumstances that share no apparent causal connection. Coincidence has no particular purpose or character. But if we are observant and wise enough to make a connection between these seemingly random occurrences, then we might come to a valuable conclusion. That becomes something serendipitous. And that’s where I am right now.
There is a reason things unfold as they do. I firmly believe that there is a plan and a purpose for each of our lives. Certainly, though, we make choices about what steps we will or will not take to achieve that plan and purpose. We can choose to get up from a fall or we can choose to stay on the ground. We can choose to remain angry and heartbroken or we can forgive and heal. We can choose to do nothing or we can choose to make a change.
Would life have been easier if we took a different path to get to today? Perhaps. But who would we be and where would we be now if it had all played out differently? Sometimes taking the difficult road – whether by choice or by force – makes all the difference. We did not choose the events of the last two years, but I believe we just might find great value in that which we did not seek.
And so my reflections over the last couple of days have done precisely what that definition says – they have thrown light back over all of this. They have shown the effect it has had on us. They have revealed the existence and character who we are and who we are yet to become. Today is a consequence of or has arisen from all the rest. And I am so glad – and grateful – to be able to see the possibility that lies ahead.
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It’s true. Almost always, we can’t see the value of the frustration, disappointment, or heartache until after it’s passed. I’m not a believer in coincidence either.
I pray it all becomes clearer for you, whatever the situation is. I pray your heart heals with few scars. (I’m not a deep thinker, so this was a stretch for me. 🙂 )
I guess that’s kind of where my head was at – we really can’t see value or purpose when we’re in the throes of the challenge. Maybe we can only see that when we emerge on the other side. I don’t know. But thank you for your prayers – we’ll take ’em! Doing a whole lot of that here myself…
I tend to reflect upon this often. What if…
I don’t believe (and that is totally ok that you do) that our lives have plans. I think it’s more choices. Whether they take you on a high road, low one, sideways, etc you still have purpose in life.
Beautifully written
Thank you, Kimberly. I definitely do think life is full of choices and the consequences of those choices. I often get tangled up in my “what if’s” – my Husband tells me I’ll “what if” myself to death.
“Wow,” that was just about all she could say. “Wow.” (Tell me you know Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse.) Loving this post and and once again stunned by our similarities. Glad to understand the reason you shared that video a day or two ago.
I think you’re ahead of me, actually. I readily admit to still being angry and bitter, and you seem more at peace. But I am trying. I got nailed in the Comments section of my post, and that threw me, but I’m still glad I posted.
I do not know that one – tell me?
Ah, my video – see, now I thought about explaining, but I was trying to go all Wordless Wednesday. But I’m glad you got it. 🙂
So, the same year, seriously??? Mere weeks apart. Un. Be. Lievable. In the meantime, angry and bitter is part of it – I honestly think I’ve come through all the stages of grief on this one. Maybe you are working your way through there, too. But everyone in their own time, in their own season, right? It’s Thoreau…of course. I sent you an e-mail just ten seconds ago.
Am I at peace? You know, I believe I am. But it’s been a long time coming, let me tell you.
I read your comments – nailed? Eh, maybe. Maybe not. I have my theories. I’m glad you posted it, too – it’s part of the process. *HUGS*
Did you see the really nasty one? I’m still feeling pretty sick from it this morning. Making me doubt ever writing the posts. I deleted it from my blog (about 12 times last night before I realized I could disable anonymous comments), but it’s still at Lefty Pop under an assumed name.
I might not have seen it…but don’t let it get to you. If you believe what you are doing is right then comments like that don’t matter. You are a good person and your heart is in the right place. Some people aren’t going to see it that way though. Stick with your convictions.
*hugs*
I’m glad you’re able to see the path ahead, and that you’re not getting stuck in the ‘if only’s. well done for heeding ‘coincidence’ and allowing yourself to get to that point.
Well, I’m seeing it – now here’s hoping and praying that it continues to show us the way.
Oh big hugs to you, that song always brings me to tears. Some days I feel like it’s wrong…that I would have rather missed the dance, but deep down I think you’re right. Everything happens for a reason to lead us down the path we’re on. We have to take the good with the bad…as awful as that can be to handle sometimes.
I agree, Kat. I often think that we can’t truly appreciate the good without understanding the bad. Sure, it would be nice to be happy always. But if we were always perfectly satisfied, how would we ever know when it’s time for change?
Thanks for the hugs!
Wow Lisa! That is so profound. Heartbroken is where I have lived the past couple of years as well. There are songs that make me cry the second I hear them. Funny thing is I listen anyway. Maybe it is through the heartbreak that strength is found. Just sayin’
Could be, Miriam. Could be. Maybe we have to slog through all the muck to get to the good stuff. Maybe we just need to feel sometimes and allowing ourselves to feel sadness and pain is all part of living. How could we appreciate the sweetness life offers if we have never experienced the bitterness?
A very philosophical post. I try to keep the past where it is – the past. I know that’s not always possible though and there are some good memories back in the day. Each choice leads into another, doesn’t it? We’re all shaped by what we do and say. It really is kind of weird to think about how things unfold after the fact. Sometimes we want something to go one way and it goes the other.
I really think that it’s hard to make real sense of how things evolve until after it has all passed. Perspective and distance make things so much clearer, it seems.
Sometimes I feel like I would be better off to have missed the more painful things. What brings a person to the realization that that is specifically what we need to appreciate what we have?
I enjoyed your reflection. Although looking back is almost always an exercise in poignancy, I am comforted to know that others are going through some of the same feelings and experiences as me. Love to you. xoxo
You know, it often feels like the things we experience are solely ours. But often closer than we think, others are indeed experiencing – or have experienced – similar things. Maybe it’s God’s way of letting us know we are definitely not in it alone. No idea. I’m guessing, really. I don’t know that every person will always realize that some struggle or suffering was something that we needed or ended up being a blessing in disguise, to use a trite phrase. But perhaps sometimes we are lucky enough to see how it all fits together and can attempt to make some sense of it. Maybe. Love right back to you! And thanks for still reading even though I have been terrifically far behind on reading everyone else. 🙂