This One Time I Laughed So Hard I Couldn’t Breathe – A Finish the Sentence Friday Five
BOOM! Would you look at what I did up there with that title?
I couldn’t decide if I should do a Finish the Sentence Friday post or my Friday Five this week. So you know what? I’m doing both. Together. In one post. Let’s roll…
This one time, I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Seriously. You know you’re having a good week when you laugh so hard that tears stream down your face and you can’t breathe.
You’re having a GREAT week if that happens more than once. Today I am happy to share with you five things that absolutely cracked me up this week. Come along…
Let’s start with Kidzilla. This girl has spot-on comedic timing and delivery. She makes me laugh regularly. She makes her Fab Dad laugh regularly, too. That usually occurs in the middle of a conversation about some discipline issue when she drops a hilarity bomb and he loses it. Nice, Hon. Thanks for the parental solidarity.
If you’ve read any of my Conversations with Kidzilla posts, you know how wicked funny our girl can be. Today I offer you not an entire conversation, but a single amusing malaprop.
I wish I could tell you what we were talking about – I think it was the school lunch menu. Zilla looks at the monthly menu, selects the days she wants to buy lunch, and hangs it on the kitchen calendar. While she was discussing lunch with me, the Hub and I were talking about something else. All of a sudden, Zilla pipes in about the calendar.
Z: Mom! There is no lunch on the nudist missile this month.
Me: Excuse me???
FH: Whaaaat???
Me: What, exactly, is a nudist missile and why is there one in school?
Z (looking over her glasses at me the way her Fab Dad does): Mom. Not nudist missile. Noon. Dis. Miss. Uhl.
Me: No lunch on the day you have noon dismissal…right. That makes perfect sense.
But the nudist missile was way more funny.
Z: So what’s a nudist missile, anyway?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re twenty-one. Next topic.
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Then there’s my phone. My phone gets me in trouble sometimes. Well, more accurately, the auto-correct does weird things and it causes confusion which results in great hilarity.
Especially when my Husband gets involved.
See, the Hub thinks he’s funny. He’s not. Poor timing, bad delivery…just…not. But we love him anyway. And when you combine my bad auto-correct problem, his lack of comedic ability, and his attempts to actually be funny…our text exchanges get a little out of hand.
Take these gems, for example. This is what happens when I try to use the voice to text option.
Here we were talking about going to the farmers’ market. I was trying to say that I love getting herbed feta but didn’t necessarily need any this week…
And then there’s this conversation. I think you’ll get the gist…just keep in mind that if there is any background noise when I try to use voice to text it does not process correctly. And don’t miss the Hub’s Monty Python reference in there.
I particularly love how we ended up back at the exact same error that started the whole thing. OK, one more…
When the Hub is on an errand run, he very thoughtfully texts me to tell me when he leaves one store and heads to another. He also tells me when he arrives. This way I never have to worry. Well, I don’t have to worry about whether he’s safe. Sometimes I do have to be concerned about his purchases…he buys weird stuff once in a while.
I should probably note here that the man has been campaigning to get a ferret for about the last ten years. We are not getting a ferret. I’m certain that by this point he understands that we are not getting a ferret, but still he persists. It’s become a running joke. At least I think it’s a joke. He may actually still be half serious about it. (Wegz, by the way, is our supermarket.)
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And then there is the final phone faux pas for the week. I’m going to guess (and hope) that Dyanne won’t mind if I share this one. Dyanne and I were chatting the other night via the Facebook message thing – an entity I do not completely understand. (Facebook, that is, not Dyanne). I had my phone plugged into my laptop to charge so I was seeing her messages on the laptop screen as well as the Facebook messenger app.
At one point, we were trying to figure out why one of us could see the other’s location and one of us could not. We went about it in a very scientific manner which involved me starting to push buttons and symbols on my phone to figure out why my location was visible. Somehow – I have NO idea how – my phone called Dyanne! All of a sudden my phone was talking to me very faintly.
Lisa? Lisa?
I was surprised as hell. Creeped out, actually. So I started cracking up. The Hub was sitting right next to me and asked what the problem was. I said something very polite and controlled like, “I have no idea. There’s a voice coming from my phone and I have no idea why because Dyanne and I were just chatting via messenger.”
Know what he said? He said, “Huh.” Thanks for your help, bud.
Somehow, after more polite audible musings as to the cause of the call, I made the voice thing go away – I have no idea what I did to start it and so consequently I also can not tell you how I made it stop. We continued chatting and tried to figure out what happened.
Me: OK so that was WAY weird. Did it call your phone???
Dyanne: Yes! I kept saying Lisa? Lisa?
That’s the part I heard – and it completely freaked me out. I mean, if you make a phone call it’s expected. But since we were just chatting and I didn’t even have her number, it was weird. Very weird.
Me: How is that even possible?
D: Then I said IT’S ME! YOU CALLED ME!
Me: How can it call a number I don’t have?
D: Kind of creepy, isn’t it?
Um, yeah. They make movies about stuff like that. Scary movies.
We decided to chalk it up to some kind of sorcery and leave it at that. Some things are just better left unexplained.
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So there you have it friends, five things that completely cracked me up this week. And I managed to make my Friday Five and the Finish the Sentence Friday prompt work. Right?
This one time, when I tried to combine two posts? Nailed it!
Now it’s your turn: Were there moments of hilarity in your week? Have you ever laughed so hard you cried or couldn’t breathe? Tell your stories in the comments because that is by far the best part of the post!
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Yeah I don’t get Dyanne either. …now ferrets. …ferrets I TOTALLY understand.
This made me nearly spit out my coffee. And everyone knows I do not spit out my coffee.
I don’t get Dyanne, either….
Bahahahaaaa! 😀
Technology is wicked creepy. HOW DID YOU CALL HER?!?
It’s really not nice to tell your husband he has a fat ass. Unless he actually brings the ferret home. 🙂
NO idea. It was bizarre. Suddenly I felt like a stalker and was concerned that Dyanne would think I had hunted her down or something. Although SHE was the one who could see my location…hmm…
That one was bizarre. It had me laughing for hours. And if he does bring a ferret home there will be no ass left of him, fat or otherwise. 😀
I love those moments of breathtaking laughter. It usually involves my sister or my daughter and an irreverent situation. Like a funeral. Or when we are working together on a project, totally involved in its doing. Auto-correct is a riot. What kind of phone do you have? I don’t know about voice to text, but I’d like to. I can leave a voice message in my texts, but it comes out as a voice. And yay for multi-tasking. (I wonder what auto-correct would do with that word)
I have an aunt I can not sit with in church because somehow we end up laughing. Actually, my sister and I struggle with that, too. But not on a regular Sunday…always at a big holiday Mass. We are so bad.
Auto-correct hates me. It really does. And that voice to text thing does all kinds of strange things. I have a Samsung at the moment. When I have a text message screen open to type a text, there is a little microphone on the keyboard. That’s how the magic happens.
Well done! The call without the number thing is freaking me out. Not cool, Facebook. But my fav is the ass comment from FH. He loves it but can live without it. He’s funny when he’s not trying!
But here’s the thing…I’m the one who sent that!
Spookyyyyyyy about your phone. However, am grinning here about your autocorrects. And the Nudist missile! And the ferret. My pal had a ferret and I am sorry to say it nipped my finger. Well it crunched it. Not a cuddily little poppet. However, your hubs would probably argue that they got a nasty one just as it’s easy to get a nasty dog or cat. So …
Off to google nudist missile …
It was so weird.
Autocorrect gets me into so much trouble. Definitely let me know what you find out about nudist missiles.
*snorks* Ohhhhh VERY GOOD! And was Burma the ref? I never watched MP, but I assume that’s it.
Er….Facebook can make free calls between mobiles. Well. Allegedly free. I’ve not put it to the test because I’m skeert of a HUGE bill. But no – it’s legit. That’s a thing you can do. You freaky stalker lady!
Yup, Burma. It’s a funny sketch. I’ll have to see if I can find it for you.
So Facebook does that, eh? Who knew? Well, clearly you did. Dyanne and I did not have that little bit of knowledge. Now we know. Still…Facebook is mroe than a little creepy. And Dyanne is the bigger stalker because she was all “I’m Googling your town” and I really didn’t know why she knew that. So she started it.
Dyanne’s WAY a stalker. It’s okay. I’ll get her yet, with my white van and my candy and my kittens…
She totally freaked out when I said I was googling her town. She acted like I was looking in her window.
OK, it was not quite like THAT…but it was weird. Mostly I was annoyed that you could see mine and I couldn’t see yours. Like why was my phone being inadequate?
Google: [monty python flying circus penguin sketch]
After the radio “performance,” pay attention during the conversation between the “women” for the ref.
Enjoy 🙂
Heheh thanks! 🙂
I’m dying over “His name is does not live here!” HAHA!! My ex and I had ferrets. They’re super stinky. Like BAD stinky. Cute though. Ours played fetch and was really good friends with my dog. REALLY stinky though. I’m so glad you laughed so hard this week and linked up to FTSF and to Five. I’m totally creeped out that FB IM called Dyanne though. Like seriously.
THANK YOU! This is why we are not getting a ferret. No stinky bad animals. Like I need more animals in my house with three Rotten Cats, right?
I am so glad I did, too – I was really not sure I had anything to go with and then all of a sudden it hit me. Actually, I think I got the inspiration when I read your post last night. So thanks, babe!
And this comment is for the Fab Hub: No, Hon, they can not be de-stinked, they are not cute, and I don’t care if they play water polo, we are not getting a ferret.
I think you should get a special award for discussing ferrets, nudist missiles, and Monty Python all in the same post. If there isn’t an award for this, there should be.
Thanks for the laugh!
It is quite an eclectic mix, isn’t it? That would be a great award and I will humbly accept.
Thanks for reading, A.J. – glad it made you laugh! 😀
Oh my gosh Lisa this was HILARIOUS!!! Those texts!!! I just love love love the way you guys joke!! And damn auto correct drives ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!!!
And Zilla!!! So adorable. LOL
And that call would have totally freaked me out too! I had NO idea you could actually do that… very very random and very very freaky. I mean, if I have say 1300 friends on FB and any of them can message me and CALL ME? Hmm…
I better take a closer look at who I am friends with over there!
Yeah, check your friends or at least make sure you don’t press random buttons on your phone when you’re chatting! 😀
We have always had a good relationship where we can joke and laugh and have a good time together. Of course we also drive each other completely insane and get on each other’s nerves pretty regularly, too. I think it’s a good thing to be able to laugh together at silly things. Someday when we’re old, that will be a good thing to have going for us.
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Lol. Funny stuff! Auto correct drives me bananas! I love documenting the funny things my kids say. My son is 10 and in have over 20 pages typed of things he has said since he was 3. My big plan is to give it to him when he turns 18. He has no idea I’ve been doing this. I started the same thing for my 3 year old. It’s fun to look back. It also helps me remember! I spent all day trying to remember when the last time was that I laughed so hard I cried…it was at church during my nephew’s communion. You know how when you aren’t supposed to laugh, it just makes you want to laugh more. That was me. I was practically having convulsions, tears streaming down my face, shaking uncontrollably, trying to hold my laughter in. All because a lady was singing in a soprano voice and I started picturing my brother dancing a tango in the center of the church for all to see. You should know that my brother doesn’t tango, but in my imagination he did. Thanks for making me recall that!! It was almost a year ago.
Laughter in situations where it isn’t really appropriate often makes it difficult to stop laughing…and then all hell breaks loose! 😀
Oh I’m with you on the no ferret thing. Well, you know I don’t buy pets, but if I did it wouldn’t be a RODENT. Shelter cats and dogs suit me just fine, thanks. I do, however, like the name Bjorn. Can I just tell you I love reading your family stories? I feel like I can somehow relate more to your stories because we are really a family of three over here too and it creates an interesting dynamic when there is just one little one. Our phones have a voicemail to text translator, so when someone leaves a voicemail we don’t have to listen to it – it texts us the message, or its version of the message. They are usually ridiculous and pretty darn funny.
I would neither buy one nor adopt one. And yes, it is a rodent so perhaps the Rotten Cats would just take care of that. Hmmm.
I love that you love our stories! Yes, the three dynamic is particular, isn’t it? I always find life around here pretty hilarious so I’m glad someone enjoys them!
I don’t know where the Hub comes up with his suggestions for pet names – Bjorn the Ferret, Bruce the Cat, Greg the Dog, Thor and Steve and Grendel, also cats (and yet our three did NOT end up with those names). He says the names are particular to the animal. He’s weird.
The problem my texts is definitely the translation from voice to text. There is a very particular way it wants me to speak to get it right and I guess I fail to achieve that pretty often.
Yes! I do see what you did with the headline, and it works.
I love the texts – sounds like my house.
What I like to do sometimes is turn the tables, be like my husband TOOOOO my husband. “Still funny, sweetie?” HA! Last laugh for me is when he says – “Stop being me!”
Haha – that was my “let me do this because I can’t think of a better headline” approach. Glad it worked.
Texts can be so funny. Turning your husband’s humor on him? That’s hilarious. I may have to try that sometime. 🙂 Stop being me…that’s awesome.
I liked reading about your incidents, and yes they were funny 🙂
Although this week’s sentence was, “This one time” 😉
Thanks, Ruchira. I don’t quite understand the second part of your comment, but thanks for coming over! 😀
Okay, so you inspired me to Google “nudist missile”.
The results can best be described as NSFW.
Autocorrect fails are a scream — I’ve seen a bunch on the interwebs, and they crack me up!
And the Messenger calling thing? Check out this for an initial explanation:
http://mashable.com/2014/04/03/facebook-messenger-phone-calls/
I think someone else Googled it, too. I have not done so and I think I’m going to leave it at that and leave it at one of those things that kids say incorrectly that end up sort of hilarious. 😀
Autocorrect around here is tons of fun. And thanks for the Messenger link – clearly I need to read up on that.
Noon dismissal was very funny but I think shaker/slacker was my favorite. LOL! Cute texting. 😉 Yeah and that last one, I don’t want to think about too hard. How did that happen? Ok nevermind.
The shaker/slacker was a hoot, mostly because it ended up right back where it began!
The phone call one is the great mystery…
So funny! Those phone conversations had me in stitches!!!!
Yes, us too, Jill!
I laughed so hard over the phone call! My husband was asleep during all of it, and I woke him up (briefly). Of course, in the morning, when I tried to tell him about it, he didn’t find it nearly as funny as I did. And yes, your “polite audible musings” were SO ladylike and genteel….
One day a couple of years ago, my husband texted to me, “You want me to bring condoms home for the kids?”
Corndogs. It was supposed to be corndogs.
I’m so glad you found it as funny as I did. There was no way I could leave that one alone. Boys are dumb. They don’t understand what’s funny. 😀
OK that autocorrect fail is what you could call epic. Condoms and corndogs? SO not the same thing…
LOL! This is a great laugh for Sunday night. I’ve been busy and caught up in my head, so it was a welcomed laugh.
Oh good! Makes me laugh, too! Thanks for coming over, April!
Just pissed myself while reading the autocorrect fails between you and Sir. Bahahahahaha. 🙂
Just a few of many goodies. Autocorrect is annoying, yet highly entertaining.
I am no expert, but I have my doubts about how successfully a ferret and three cats would coexist. And I think your schools must be more progressive than ours. We don’t have any nudist missiles here!
I suspect you are correct that the three Rottens would not take kindly to a ferret in their midst.
And I had quite forgotten about the nudist missiles! 😀