Will the Village Protect My Daughter?
There’s an African proverb that tells us it takes a whole village to raise a child.
I often wonder, though, do we really raise our children as a village? Do we look out for them throughout their lives and protect them – and one another – as a village? When I read the headlines every day, I am reminded that all too often we do not. And I wonder, when did we stop living and acting as a village?
When my husband and I told my grandparents that we were pregnant, they were thrilled, of course. One of the things my grandmother said to me that day – with no malice whatsoever – was “Good luck. I would not want to raise a child today. It’s a whole different world.”
My grandparents were no lightweights when it came to raising children. They raised their children through the 50s, 60s, 70s, and into the 80s. By the time Zilla arrived, they had already been helping to raise grandchildren and great-grandchildren for nearly 40 years besides. They had probably seen just about everything.
I remember thinking, “Holy crap! What have we gotten ourselves into?”
Kids are different today than they were when my Mom and her siblings were kids. They are different than we were as kids. They’re even different than they were a short 10 years ago. But while that is true, it’s not really the kids that makes raising children today so terrifying. It’s the rest of the world.
Decades ago, it really did take a village to raise a child – and the village did its job. Everybody knew everybody else and if your neighbor’s mother told you to straighten up and fly right, it was just as good as hearing it from your own. When you did something stupid, your parents knew about it before you walked in the back door because the other parents called them and told them, not because they wanted to ruin your life, but because they wanted to protect it. They did it because they cared. To me, that’s not nosy or presumptuous. That’s a community raising its children together.
But now? I often wonder if people care about anyone but themselves. I know, I know – that sounds terribly cynical. And I know that there are people do care. I have friends and family who do look out for one another’s kids, who aren’t afraid to speak up when they smell trouble, who aren’t afraid to have an opinion. But as a society? We have become so afraid of being criticized or sued for taking an interest in someone else’s well-being that we have isolated ourselves to the point of destruction.
Take the Cincinnati zoo gorilla incident, for example. People were so quick to judge that mother for taking her eyes off her child for one second. The way I understand it, she was with several children. Kids move fast and they do things they aren’t supposed to do. What makes her any different than any other parent? What makes her different from me? I have one child and I can’t keep my eyes on her at every moment. She gets away from me. She does things she isn’t supposed to do. One of my big questions was not why wasn’t that mother looking at her child or why didn’t she stop him, but why didn’t anybody else?
You cannot tell me that no one saw or heard that child heading for danger. Did they grab the mother and get her attention? Did they grab the boy and pull him back to safety? I don’t know; I wasn’t there. I’d like to think that if I saw that scenario unfolding, I would’ve grabbed that kid back from danger and delivered him to his mother. I would like to think that I would not fear a lawsuit for touching another mother’s child. If my daughter were the one heading for that gorilla enclosure – and believe me, I know she has the potential to do it – I would like to think that someone would act quickly and grab her, not stand there taking a video to post all over the internet showing what a lousy mother I am.
Now let’s talk about the Stanford rapist problem. I think Kristi and I were doing the same thing at the same time late Monday night – reading all the things out there about it, sitting open-mouthed in front of the computer screen, feeling physically ill that we live in a world where this kind of garbage happens and is tolerated. Because it is tolerated; and that’s the problem.
I don’t have to tell you that a six-month sentence for what he did to that young woman is an outrageous miscarriage of justice. You already know that. I don’t have to tell you that the manner in which each of the parties involved has been represented in the media and throughout the trial process is nothing but the work of spin doctors. Was she too drunk? Was he? Did her sister or her friends try to stop her before she was too far over the edge? Did his? I don’t know; I wasn’t there. I would like to think that people look out for one another and try to keep one another from danger, simply because as human beings we should want to keep one another safe. But all too often, we stand ready to make assumptions and judgments. We worry far too much about whether we will be criticized for stepping in than we do about acting in the best interest of another. The fact that those two grad students saw what was going on and took action bolsters my faith in humanity, in compassion, and in the concept of the global village.
But the reality is that such action is all too rare.
[tweetthis]We worry more about being criticized for stepping in than we do about helping one another.[/tweetthis]
Right now my daughter spends most of her time in my company or that of another adult I know and trust. But as she grows, she will spend less and less time by my side. I won’t be there to help her make decisions or grab her back when she steps in front of danger. When my daughter goes off to college, I won’t be there, either. I can only hope that the things we teach her now will go with her and serve as an invisible hand to grab her when she needs one.
I would like to think that my daughter will never do things like drink too much or dance with a boy she doesn’t know that well. But I’m not a fool and I know better. When I was that age, I did things that were stupid and impulsive and could have potentially landed me in all kinds of trouble. I know my Husband did. I’ll bet most of you did, too. Little kids move fast and get into trouble, and most of the time, we can reach out and grab them and pull them back. But not always. Big kids move fast and get into trouble, too. But most of the time, we aren’t going to be with them, and who is going to reach out to grab them and pull them back then?
So when I see things like the Stanford story on my screen, I spend a lot of time worrying about my daughter. I worry about her now and I worry about her then for all the reasons that every parent worries. But then I start to factor in other things like her ADHD and impulsivity issues and I worry even more. I had (and still have) those issues; I know that these and so many other factors put our kids at exponentially higher risk for danger than “normal” circumstances present. Put all of that together with the kind of travesty we see in our headlines, and that is why I’m terrified.
So what’s the answer?
I wish I knew.
All any of us can do is guess and proceed by trial and error. We can teach our kids everything we think will help them make wise choices as they grow. We can hope and pray and pray some more that they will be safe. But aside from all of that, perhaps the best thing we can do is remember that if it takes a village to raise our children, then there actually has to be a village. So take an active part in building it. Open your doors. Open your hearts. Get to know and understand the people around you – and people far away. Talk about life and love and values. Be unafraid to stick your nose into someone else’s business and show that you care. Stand up and speak out loud when you see hate and injustice in the world and maybe, just maybe, the evil that is out there will see that we mean business, that we will step in when it rears its ugly head, and we will all protect one another from harm.
[tweetthis]If it takes a village to raise our children, then there actually has to be a village.[/tweetthis]
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Wonderful, thought-provoking post, Lisa, and I LOVE that you’re all for promoting the Village. We all need it, even as adults, and we’re all responsible to, and for, it. Thing is, I think there’s a temptation to look back with rose-tinted glasses to mythical ‘golden years’. The recentish past WAS an easier place to raise children, in many ways, but also it wasn’t. I think a lot, a LOT, just got swept under the rug, and the world at large didn’t hear about it.
There are a number of historical sex offenses being slung at celebrities, now, because ‘back in the day’, I guess the culture and climate was far more geared to ‘put up and shut up’. I think we are steadily raising generations of switched-on, compassionate, caring individuals (for the larger part), though I think there will ALWAYS be people, of all ages, who are out to do Bad Unto Others. And I don’t think anything, or anyone, Village or not, will prevent them.
There’s more I want to say about this but I think I need to read it again first.
Thank you, Lizzi. You know, you’re right about that. The world has always had problems, but perhaps we didn’t talk about them as much. But I definitely do think we’ve lost a sense of community that used to be very common, but at the same time we are connected in ways those generations might never have imagined. It’s…confusing. Think about things like mental illness and rape and abuse – those were taboo topics, not to be discussed. Learning disabilities, ADHD, eating disorders and so on and so on, all things that of course have always existed in one form or another, but many of those we just didn’t know about or understand.
You’re right that there will always be those who choose bad over good, wrong over right. Free will is a very real thing, and we have to remember that like all things that come with such power, it comes with great responsibility. And that’s where the difference lies – what choices do people make? I agree with you that we can’t prevent them. It is my hope that we can continue to work toward raising and being attentive, engaged, compassionate, and caring people who will speak out against the bad and reach a hand toward those who are affected by it.
I love to know your thoughts – come back when you have more! 🙂
I’m so glad you wrote this Lisa. You are so right – where are the other people? Who is looking out for one another? I did some big stupid things when I was young and I got lucky I guess. What sickens me maybe most about the Stanford case is that there is such entitlement among athletes. I remember when one of the Denver Broncos was accused of rape and the conversation around the bar was that some slut was trying to get his money. That he was famous and “didn’t need to rape” anybody because he had so many willing women to have sex with him. Sigh. I promise that if I ever see a kid climbing into a cage at the zoo, I’ll stop him or her, lawsuit smawsuit. AWESOME POST, my friend.
Thank you, Kristi.
I see that kind of nonsense all the time, Kristi – that some guy doesn’t “need” to rape because women are willing. But that’s the thing people don’t quite seem to understand; rape is not actually about sex. It’s about anger, power, control. Maybe if that message was made more clear, that kind of attitude would not prevail. Sigh is right. I do believe that the world has so much good in it; I would just like to see that be the dominating force a little more often, you know?
See, here’s a thing – I think we’re all living our lives in a lot more of a global community than a local one, and our eyes are opened in different ways – sometimes to our benefit and sometimes to our detriment. We have to be more aware of the floods of information available and filter out what’s pertinent. I can get information on ‘how best to live my life’ from people in the US and Australia, but not know the names of my next-door neighbours here. And we all live that kind of life – we all have the option to choose how much and where to be involved, which I think is something which wasn’t available in times gone by – people made do with those around them.
I also think that the culture at the moment seems overly geared towards the ‘realising of self’, ‘happiness above all else’, and (to an extent) ‘denying the need to take responsibility’. When you think of the cultures of frantic parenting and hoping to get it right, which exist online…we can whip ourselves into frenzies quite easily, whereas the ‘traditional’ village might KNOW that accidents happen, and to pick yourself up and carry on. That said, that rapist grew up in a ‘traditional village’ geared towards entitlement and wriggling out of trouble because of money and status, so… in ALL things, perhaps it’s who you hang out with, whatever way you do it.
You’re absolutely right that we are able to connect globally in ways previous generations could never have imagined. And you’re also right that it can be (like anything, really) to our benefit or detriment, depending on the circumstances. The people around us affect us, whether we want them to or not and whether it is for better or worse. You know, it’s the “because of or in spite of” argument. The problem in so many of these cases is that there is a distinct lack of accountability and responsibility in the world because everyone wants what they want and too many do not consider that your wants and needs also affect others and what they want and need. And I do think there is a definite lack of balance – in that sense I just mentioned, in who gets what penalty for a similar crime, in who has and who has not, in how much bad we broadcast and how much good. I think that is a huge part of the struggles in the world.
There’s such a lot in here it’s hard to write a response! But I’ll try.
Your point about nobody stopping the kid at the zoo is an interesting one. I agree with you that, “We worry far too much about whether we will be criticized for stepping in than we do about acting in the best interest of another.” And I’ve read that people in a group are less likely to reach out and help someone that people on their own. In a group, we take cues from each other, so if nobody else moves, neither do we. So it’s possibly a mix of fear of being criticized and just not feeling sure.
The Stanford case is horrific. I read the victim’s statement with a growing sense of horror, but also with awe at her strength and courage. I honestly don’t think I could have stood up and read that statement at her age. I actually think in her statement she shows young women how to protect themselves – she has stood up and faced the man who raped her. That’s what will protect her in future and it’s what we need to teach our girls. No, not teach them, show them. When we are strong we show them that they can be too. (So yet another reason for self-compassion.)
And I agree with what Lizzi says in her first comment about there being a temptation to hark back to a golden era when everyone looked out for each other, but that this is really a myth.
I’m aware of that theory as well, Yvonne. It’s interesting, isn’t it? And I’ve seen it in action so many times and in so many places.
The Stanford victim is doing exactly what you said – showing others an example of how to handle this situation, how to face evil head-on. It is absolutely what we need to show our girls how to do and how to be. It’s a hefty responsibility.
I’m not sure I agree that the idea of a community that looked out for one another is a myth. Maybe on a global level, but I grew up in a world very much like that. Proof, I suppose, that we all have our own reality, our own worldview.
When you were writing this, it was the gorilla and the rape case. This week? An alligator and a massacre. You have echoed so many of my thoughts.
My parents raised five kids, fairly unscathed, and I worry that even having a third would be irresponsible because what world are we leaving them? Unless I move to Canada! Or Switzerland. Or Neverland..
I’m thinking Neverland may be our best option, Tamara. I often ask that question – what world, what legacy are we giving our kids? My sincere hope is that we are able to teach them to fight against the hate and evil and be the voice of change.
I have many of these thoughts too. It is a scary world when we are all on our own.
Which is why I think (to use Robert Fulghum’s words) that it’s best to hold hands and stick together. 🙂