Focus on What is Enough
Ever have one of those days where all you can think about is how much you aren’t getting done? One of those days where despite all valiant efforts, the pile doesn’t shrink and after a full day of working you somehow have practically nothing to show for it?
Yeah, had me one of those today. So frustrating.
But that’s not really the point of my mental ramblings tonight – mostly because I’m pretty sure that no amount of diligence in the workplace will produce a completely clean desk and my inbox will most assuredly be full when I die. It’s a problem to which there really is no solution.
Instead, I’ve been thinking about how backwards my focus has been today. All day long I kept listing the things that need to be finished, listing the things that were preventing me from finishing them, listing the things that by the end of the day became things that didn’t get finished, listing the reasons why I make myself feel guilty for not having accomplished everything on the never-ending list…
By the end of the afternoon, the listing had given way to bemoaning the fact that I am tired of having lists of things to do, that spring and warm weather is still too many weeks away, that summer break is even farther away, that the last time my toes weren’t cold was about four months ago, that I haven’t finished nine projects at home that I thought I would have by now, that I haven’t finished reading the nine books I’m picking slowly through…
So around five thirty this evening, I gave myself a little time out and said, “Enough.”
I say this to Kidzilla all the time when the circumstances warrant. My Grandfather said it to me more times than I can count. It’s effective. Try it.
Enough.
I needed to tell myself it was time to stop gretzing and that I (and probably anyone else within earshot) had heard quite enough of that for one day. It was time to realize that I had made myself fairly miserable for a large portion of the day mostly by focusing on the mountain ahead and the very small hill of success behind me. As my Grandfather used to say, “you are only about as miserable as you allow yourself to be.”
And so rather than allow the negative focus to continue, I told myself it was “enough” and started to realign my focus. I thought about how much I have accomplished today and in the last few weeks. I do have a list of things that have been completed – just maybe not all of the ones originally planned. It’s so easy to do that, though – to focus on the failed plan rather than the unplanned success.
That “enough” then takes on multiple meanings. First, I spent my focus on negativity quite enough for one day. That had to stop. Second, I intentionally focused on all that I did accomplish today and decided that it is enough. After all, no one is imposing any demands for completion but me. Finally, I had to focus on what I needed to do for me tonight. I needed enough time to spend with my husband and daughter, enough time to cook a good meal that would nourish both body and soul, enough time to relax, and enough sleep.
Am I entirely happy with the tangible results of my day? Maybe not. But if I focus on that, nothing changes. Instead, I pulled out my well-loved copy of Emerson and read over some of my favorite words…
“A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise shall give him no peace. […] Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.” (Self-Reliance)
I put my best effort into my work today. Just because a particular task or goal was not achieved does not indicate failure. It is far too easy to focus on what has not been achieved; it requires much more effort and strength of will to focus on what has. Spending focus on an unfinished list might one day become the way we view larger endeavors. We are conditioned by society to see only end results as success. We are not taught to respect the process of doing anything as valuable.
With that thinking, the only possible successful outcome of living is death – it is the only end result. But I am certain that the purpose of life is not death; the purpose of life is living and living is indeed an ongoing process. The focus, then, must be on the process, not on the end result.
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I had one of those days yesterday, too. Good for you for re-focusing and pushing through.
Had to. I didn’t want to be the mom who came home to my daughter and disappeared into self-pity all night. Bad example. And she’s the best mood-lifter ever. 🙂
Yes, we are entirely too hard on ourselves sometimes. We can’t lose sight that another purpose of living is enjoyment. We aren’t living to suffer through the days (although some days it feels as if we are), we are here to thrive. My self-imposed rules and restrictions often make me feel inadequate, until I do as you did: refocus. Cheers to you for realizing what was happening before the negativity carried you too far.
Interesting, isn’t it that most of the tough demands come from ourselves?
I fall into this same trap of living by my to-do list, and failing to find peace in the things I have done. You have given me a fresh perspective on what I should strive for, which is to focus on the process. Thank you.
You are welcome, Andrea! Just passing it on, I guess. I recently read something about living by the “already did” list rather than the “to-do” and it kind of stuck with me.
When I find myself in days like yours, when I am continually beating myself up, I have found that my best technique for breaking the cycle is to ask myself the question, “Would I treat anyone else this badly?” That is my reality check, like your “enough”. I then make the mental switch into cheerleader. At the beginning I’m normally so broken down that I end up talking to myself like a six-year-old, congratulating every small step in the right direction. As I start to get some momentum, the level needed to receive praise goes up, and that is okay, because it is what I need.
I really like your “enough” strategy because that word is so versatile. I’m glad you were able to break the cycle and spend some time with your family.
That’s a great question, Tammy. I think most people would answer “of course not” to that question. And if they did treat someone else that badly you’d feel terrible and embarrassed about it.
The never ending to-do list. I’ve fallen into that before and it’s just frustrating. It always seems like there is more on your plate to do than you’ve actually accomplished. Good for you though to say enough. When you let all those things hang over yourself, you feel bad.
It’s interesting how bad we can treat ourselves. I know I do that. Still do it sometimes. But if it gets out of hand, I try to take a step back and remind myself that I’m being too hard on myself.
I like the way you say that you focus on the process and not the end result. It’s like that phrase, “life is a journey, not a destination.” Might as well enjoy it while we’re around.
It’s so easy to miss the beauty of the journey if we focus too much on the destination. Like when you’re anticipating getting to your vacation spot so much that you don’t notice the ten great things to see or do along the way. I think the older I get the more I don’t want to find myself one day regretting that I missed something along the way because I didn’t allow the process, the journey to be valuable all by itself.
So true. Sometimes Enough is enough. There are so many time sucks. some are totally worth it. . .like chatting with a friend, others, not so much.
True enough – love the good ones like a long chat with an old friend, though.
[…] Every time I sat at my desk recently to write or post something, I walked away feeling frustrated because I did not complete any one thing. That bothered me for a few days until I realized that I was focusing too much on the lack of completion and not enough on the process of working, thinking, writing, and living. I feel like I’ve only too recently been caught up in this very same conversation with myself. […]
One reason I dedicate as much time to blogging as I do is because of the really supportive and wonderful connections I have made with other bloggers. One of the best pieces of advice I have gotten from a fellow blogger has helped me dig out from this feeling of never getting as far along as I think I should. She said to me–pick the biggest thing that is overwhelming you and spend 15 min. on it each day. I thought to myself how much more time this task (cleaning out my laundry room which had become the dumpster of our house) would require than 15 min. Do it!, she said.
So, I took 15 min. each day and did nothing but attack that room. At the end of three days I saw real progress, no kidding. By the 5th day I was begging myself not to quit after 15 min. because I felt so invigorated by the change I could seeing happening. Now, I am a believer. Bit by bit. And allow yourself to be OK with that. Soon it will feel good!
I agree on both points, May. I have found a really wonderful little community here through blogging. Who knew? And that 15 minutes a day trick is indeed magic. Sometimes, even though I know how effective it can be, I fail to remember to put it to use. And that’s where I need to put a little focus, I think.